Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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