3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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