we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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