dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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