Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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