Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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