I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
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