We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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