***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So much rum. So many feels.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
