New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
