we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
