you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I deserve this hangover.
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