I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
