I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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