i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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