I wish I could punch you in the face.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
