So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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