i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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