the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
