oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
