Please, let me fuck your mom
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
