Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
