Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think I sprained my soul last night
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
