thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize