I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
