Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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