I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
