i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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