You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
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