i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
