i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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