so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
