God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
We got so high we made milksteak
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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