he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize