My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm both gender and math confused
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
