I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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