i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
