if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
sarcasm needs its own font
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
