he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
