I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You need a sexual gate keeper
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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