News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We were destined to go to rehab together
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
