If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
