There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
