I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
