So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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