I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
