life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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