Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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