can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
