this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
