I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
