I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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