i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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