i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize