pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize