His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
not ubering you a puppy
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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