Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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