dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
