It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize