i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
