then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
