beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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