It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
