Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
